"No, please no", I thought to myself. A wave of panic over came my body. I couldn't breath. I felt like my heart was pounding in my ears. I was standing in front of the Grey's Anatomy calender Luke had given me for Christmas last year silently recounting all the weeks in August and September. I was praying for an error,but it didn't look like that was going to happen. I went and picked up my phone and dialed Luke's number. It rang numerous times before he finally answered.
"hello"
"Hey Luke are you busy"
"No not really I was just about to get my film developed nothing really important."
"Can you pick me up?"
"Uhh yeah sure As just give me five minutes.
I had known Luke since preschool. He'd always been shy and calm but he had a charisma that no one could touch. He was always willing to help someone in trouble in whatever way he could. That was why I'd called him instead of Jade. I loved Jade but I didn't need her there making the situation more dramatic then what it might be.
I knew he wasn't over exaggerating about being here in five minutes. He lived 4 houses to the left of mine. I went to the kitchen and poured a small glass of orange juice that I drank while pacing back and forth from the kitchen table to the small window over the sink. When I finally saw his blue Honda crv pull up in front of my house a feeling of peace swept through me. I got my purse from the handle of the door and walked to the car.
I opened the door and silently sat in the seat. I put on my seat belt and stared ahead for several minutes before I realized the car wasn't moving. I turned to face Luke. He was starring at me with a look of worry written across his face. I knew despite trying to hide my distress he'd picked up on it right away.
"Where are we going" he asked
"Rite Aid" I said trying to sound perky
He started the car and pulled out into the main traffic. I rolled down the window letting the cool autumn air hit my face relaxing my nerves. We went on like this for several minutes. Luke studied the road. Carefully turning the wheel along all the twists and curves. I looked at him carefully taking in his face. He had changed very little in the fifteen years I had known him. His hair was still a reddish,brown curly mop on his. His eyes were still the same shade of amber. He'd gotten taller but was still lean with small muscles. He was no heart throb but he had potential.
The car came to a sudden stop. I looked forward we had arrived. We got out and walked through the doors of Eckerd.
"I'm going to drop this off" he said holding his undeveloped film for me to see.
"Okay sure, I'll just be over there I said pointing to no place particular. I waited for Luke to leave my side before practically running through the isles to the woman's section. It took forever for me to find the pregnancy tests considering they were at the very bottom of the shelves. I grabbed two tests Clearblue and some generic brand. I held them each in one of my hands and read the backs. It didn't take long for me decide on the Clearblue. I headed for the checkout counter.
The cashier was an older woman named June with pink hair. She smiled I handed her the pregnancy test. She looked at me then at the box and gave me a look that said,"Well your totally screwed I don't even know why you're buying this when you know what the results are."
"19.88" she said between smacking her gum
I pulled a 20 out of my wallet and placed it on the counter. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Luke standing by the next register looking at the latest issue of Star Magazine.
"1.12 is your change have a nice day"
Thank God I thought. I quickly walked past Luke and to the car with such authority all he did was follow. He unlocked the door and we got in. He looked at the bag in my lap which was semi see through.
Ten minutes later we were in front of my house. My attention was drawn to a bright red coat sitting on my front porch. It was Jade.
"I dont want to do this by myself" I said to Luke
"Do you want me to stay?" He asked
"Please" I begged.
He turned off the engine and we walked up the driveway. Jade jumped up and ran to meet us with a huge grin.
"Hey guys!" she said "Where have you been? dont you answer your phones? I've been waiting forever. I jus- "
She stopped mid sentence starring at the bag in my hands like it carried death.
"Oh Damn" she said
I got my key and unlocked the door. I silently opened the door and headed to bathroom. I placed my fate on the counter and ripped open the contents of the little box. I read the directions. Eight minutes later I was leaning against the door, waiting,pondering. Why hadn't I said no. I was such an idiot. Had the condom broke? I'd been on the pill. All the stupid protection we had used obviously was a waste.
It was time to look but, I just wasn't ready to look it was my future written in that little stick. I closed my eyes and cleared my mind. I picked up the test and slowly opened my the words came into focus. P-R-E-G-N-A-T-E. Damn it I wispered. The sea of hysterical tears started to come. I slid down the wall onto the floor buring my face into my hands. What was I going to do?
I dont think this is very good but i need a lot of feed back?
First of all it's BREATHE not breath. It's also "had the condom broken?" not broke. These little tiny mistakes really need to be taken care of before you share work anywhere.
Next of all - the BIG problem. Get rid of the passive voice!!!!!!
I was standing in front of the Grey's Anatomy calender Luke had given me for Christmas last year silently recounting all the weeks in August and September. I was praying for an error,but it didn't look like that was going to happen. I went and picked up my phone and dialed Luke's number.
should be ...
I stood in front of the Grey's Anatomy calender Luke gave me for Christmas last year silently recounting all the weeks in August and September. I prayed for an error,but it didn't look like that would happen. I picked up my phone and dialed Luke's number.
See how much stronger it is when you take out all those Has and Was and stick with nice, clean past tense? You won't always be able to get it out, but you should be able to get it out most of of the time. The rule is - only use it when you are referring to the distant past.
Even here you can eliminate it...
I had known Luke since preschool. He'd always been shy and calm but he had a charisma that no one could touch. He was always willing to help someone in trouble in whatever way he could. That was why I'd called him instead of Jade. I loved Jade but I didn't need her there making the situation more dramatic then what it might be.
change to ...
I knew Luke since preschool. He was always shy and calm but he had a charisma that no one could touch. He was always willing to help someone in trouble in whatever way he could. That was why I called him instead of Jade. I loved Jade but I didn't need her there making the situation more dramatic then what it might be.
I left the one in the middle "He was always willing" because that does refer to the distant past. Get it?
Taking as many of them as you can out will make your writing much stronger.
Another problem Stephen King addresses in On Writing is the "He said" "She said". Try to avoid adding modifiers to that. You have a couple, but one is particularly bad.
"I'm going to drop this off" he said holding his undeveloped film for me to see.
Ugh. It sounds like he has to actually SHOW you the film and get your permission. SIMPLIFY!!
"I just have to drop my film off to be developed," he said.
That is showing not telling. See?
Other than that, it's a touch on the dramatic side, but I can understand a teenager's POV there. Just try a little editing and it should be fine. Pax-C
I dont think this is very good but i need a lot of feed back?
REWRITE,REWRITE,REWRITE,
I dont think this is very good but i need a lot of feed back?
people are really harsh on here so dont be discouraged. I would work on transitioning maybe. I think you are off to a good start come check out my story The long path and let me know what you think.
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